Sunday Morning Musings

I know that I am way behind on the whole blogging thing.  I was going to go do yoga at the gym this morning before church but I decided I should catch up on the blog a little.  I am not sure Christmas has even happened here in blog world and we are already half way through April in the real world.  Yikes! Before I move on to Christmas and all my catch up posts I feel like I need to ramble a little. I have all these thoughts and feelings stuck in my head and maybe, maybe getting them on "paper" will help me make more sense of them.

Renner is our third baby. He is brilliant and wonderful and funny and sweet.  He is almost four and I love him dearly.  When he was a baby he was the sweetest, calmest, most easy-going baby I could have ever asked for. It was a good thing too because we had a lot of other stuff going on during that first year of his life and I am not sure we would have survived if there had been a high maintenace baby thrown in the mix. Then something happened.  He broke.  He was fifteen months old and he broke.  He went nuts.  I couldn't get him to sit still, he started to become aggressive and the older he got the worse his behavior was at times.  At other times, he was still my sweet little man.  I would mention the behavior to his pediatrician and her response was always "it's just his age, he'll grow out of it".  Fast forward through two and a half years of psycho behavior and frustration.  He got kicked out of the preschool he was in because he couldn't follow the rules enough to be a peer model student.  The doctor still tells me it's his age.  Well, now that he's almost four, I don't think this is just his age anymore. We decided to go to a psychologist.

I called around and found one that works with little guys.  Most won't see kids until they are five or older.  We went out to her appointment, Renner and I.  By the time the hour appointment was over, her office had been covered in blocks, her giant dragon pillow had been beaten multiple times, the blinds had almost been ripped down, I had to block the door so he didn't escape and he spilled water on his shirt.  Which he promptly took off and threw on the floor.  And was shirtless the rest of the time.  Needless to say she was ready to give me a diagnosis of ADHD right then and there but there was a little problem.  She doesn't take my insurance. Grrrrr.  We had to suffer THAT appointment and then you tell me.  Dumb. That would have been good to know before all of the drama. Whatever.  Get in line for the money for that appoinment.

I cried after the first appointment.  I cried because she told me I didn't break him.  Relief.  I cried because my baby is going to struggle. No momma wants that.  Now we are back to square one.  We found a new psychologist who is much closer.  I am not sure I love her but Corey really did.  He is a little more experienced when it comes to counselors so he wasn't uncomfortable at all;)  She gave us some checklists and we go back next week. We'll see where we end up. 

In the meantime, we have cut out a whole lot of crap from our diet in hopes of seeing some changes in his behavior.  I think he seems a smidge calmer but then again, I am a little more hopeful than Corey.  Some things haven't changed.  Like soccer.  He still refuses to play and I still get angry.  I am thinking it's not worth playing soccer at this point. I would rather love my child than be SO mad and frustrated over something so unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

Maybe we just won't go back. Maybe he'll be better behaved.  Maybe he can't. Maybe we'll try meds along with the dietary changes. Maybe we will be a little happier around here. Maybe...

As I look at the applesauce he flinged across my ceiling, I am not so hopeful.  As I watch him snuggle the baby and play nicely with his brother and sister, I get a little more hopeful.  When he looks at me, out of the blue, and says, "mommy, I love you," my heart melts all over the place and the maybes don't matter.  All that matters is that I love him.  And he loves me.  And it needs to stay that way and we will survive.  He  may be a little broken, but aren't we all.  I just need to remember he's my baby and I love him.  Sometimes that's easier said than done.  I know this is just the beginning of the challenges we will face together.  School starts in a year and there will be all sorts of new struggles there.  Then there will be friends and how to not beat them so they will stay your friend. I may never truly understand him, but I know I can truly love him.

Maybe that's the answer.